You’ve got all the supercars you could ever want to drive. You’ve got the supermodel hareem. You’ve got a yacht in Monaco Harbour and a £30m flat overlooking it.

But somehow your life is still empty.

There’s still space in it for some very expensive trinkets to show off to your friends, but WHERE WILL YOU FIND THEM?

The answer, my ridiculously wealthy friends, is at the Top Marques Show in Monaco. We know you’re busy people so because we’re nice we popped down there for you and drew up a shopping list.

Get a minion on it, NOW!

The £12,500 surfboard

You’re tanned, fit and dripping in dollar – what you need is an adventure sport to make you super cool. Enter, on the crest of a wave, the Jet Surfboard that doesn’t even need a crest of a wave to enter on. It has a 100cc engine wrapped up in its carbon-fibre body and can hurtle along at 40mph thanks to 22bhp under your feet. Just imagine how cool you’ll look…

The £12,000 book

You’re a monumentally rich person. Monumentally rich people don’t read normal books. Oh no, they read ones that weigh 32kg, need two people to carry them and have thousands of pages. The Ferrari Opus is THAT book with a history of the brand and 60 per cent unseen content. Just 900 were printed, they come in carbon fibre boxes and are signed by five living F1 world champions. A weighty tome in more ways than one.

The £35,000 sunlounger

Relaxing doesn’t get anymore ostentatious than this. Meet the Remmus, a sunlounger designed for luxury yachts and uber villas. It has Bluetooth to wirelessly stream your music through built in speakers, it automatically turns to always face the sun, can wirelessly charge your phone and when you get too hot, it can cool you down with cold mist. Can you put a price on cool mist? We think not.

The £12,000 coffee table

Naturally this isn’t just any coffee table. This is a 55-inch touchscreen coffee table that you can search the web on, look at pictures, play games and do other play boy things with. There are inputs for USB and games consoles and it’s all displayed in HD.

The water with gold in it

What’s that? The earth is covered in water? Yes, we know, but has it GOT GOLD IN IT? We think not. These bottles of posh rain have been sourced from a glacier dating back 15,000 years. Flakes of 22 carat gold have been inserted because it’s apparently good for the skin. We drunk some and can’t help but think it made us feel a *little* bit heavier. It didn’t really. Small bottles cost £18.

The €750,000 watch

Yes, you read that right, Mr More Money Than Sense, this Julien Coudray watch might even make YOU think twice about getting the platinum card. Actually, who are we kidding, of course it won’t. All you want to know is it’s just one of 15, is the only watch in the world made entirely from platinum and has an alligator skin strap. We’re afraid it doesn’t come with its own security team.

The £20,000 electric bike

Pedaling is for the poor, but you want to get fit – it’s the ultimate billionaire conundrum! Thankfully, the Trefecta bike could be the answer. It’s got an electric hybrid system that can help boost your pedalling when you’re feeling lazy. It’ll do 100km on a three hour charge at speeds of 20kph, or off-road where laws aren’t important the derestricted model will do 80kph! Your iPhone doubles as a key and its dripping in carbon fibre.

The £1,200 ankle breaker

Walking is for the poor. You are rich. You need motorisation like a well-heeled robot droid. Thanks to the WheelLib you CAN be that droid. It has a built-in gyroscope, can do 30km on a single charge at speeds of up to 12mph and moves as you lean forward and brakes when you lean back. We tried one out for you and can say it has huge potential for a nasty dose of gravel rash, but is amazing fun. Buy one for everyone, now.

The £26,000 sofa

You can’t sit your pricey pants down on anything, especially any soft furnishing store which has any ‘Bank Holiday Bonanzas’. What you need is this – a sofa made from Argentinian Buffalo leather. It’s hand stitched in Germany (because that matters, apparently) and is a one-off, so you won’t go round Roman’s and find he’s got the exact same one. Awkward.

The £15,000 chair and desk combo

You’re an important person, you sign BIG cheques. Sorry, we mean you instruct staff to sign BIG checks on your behalf. What you need is a pricey desk to do that instruction from behind. This leather and aluminium-riveted chair and desk combo has Big Boss Man written all over. Well, it doesn’t because that would be rubbish, but it does convey that message. And it’s expensive. What more do you want?

The £450,000 bracelet and egg combo

We know what it’s like, you splash out on a watch us mere mortals would need a mortgage for, but you STILL get grief from the wife/wives/girlfriend/mistress for buying it. Placate said female companion with this: The Bracelet of Venus. Not only does it have a Sky At Night name, but it also has more than 200 rubies, one eight carat diamond and is made from 18 carat gold. It also comes in a gold egg.

The £25,000 safe

Your trinkets are plentiful, but distressingly littering the bedside table. You’re worried a man in a striped jumper and swag bag might come and whisk them away. What you need is a safe – but naturally, being a squajizilionaire it also needs to be gold. The Heindl Caudillo is exactly that. It has a 16-digit security code and a silent alarm for those annoying instances when someone has a gun to your head.

The £85,000 boat spa

When you’re loaded, your ‘friend’ count dramatically increases. So much so it’s simply impossible to get them all into a normal hot tub. What you need is one shaped like a boat, with 59 bubble jets, massaging streams and a name like Zeus. And this is it. So far the firm has sold 10 to (mostly) Russian billionaires.